The Texas heat has melted away and cooler weather has made the outdoors quite pleasant. We had an unseasonably warm "Indian Summer" the past week and warmer temperatures are predicted to visit again, but for now evening walks and gatherings on porches of family and friends have been quite nice. Evenings in Texas don't cool down like they do out west. One just swelters in dimmer lighting out here for the summer months. But occasionally we get autumn weather, such as the past few nights, and I remember why I like the fall season.
The summer brought a big change for the family. Events of the spring precipitated the changes though I don't think it was conscious planning on our part. The story goes that the advent of a young girl into our home necessitated a tentative search for larger living arrangements. Why this would truly be necessary is hard to explain when I reflect on my personal upbringing with twelve individuals in a thirteen hundred square foot home. Jessica and I looked around this past spring at our home and felt cramped for space. We certainly didn't have the outdoor space I grew up with which in retrospect was such a blessing for myself and I am sure for my siblings. But as it was, Jessica and I reached out to a realtor we had come out to the home a year before to give us an idea as to where to dedicate allocated funds for updating/remodeling the home. Jessica and I have different tastes and ideas of how to update the home and a neutral party's opinion was necessary. Jessica's practical views were mostly upheld as the realtor went through our home pointing out ways to best invest our funds. And so we made some changes. This past spring we brought out the realtor again to give us an idea of what the home could sell for if we needed to put it on the market. Within three days our house was undergoing renovations and placed on the market within a week. The house sold within a week of listing. It was a whirlwind of activity and events. I reflect back on the home that my children were initially introduced to, where my boys learned to walk and ride bikes, had their first birthday parties and Christmas celebrations. It was a good home and we had great neighbors. There were many times through the moving process my boys remarked that there was nothing wrong with the house, "its perfect for us," I had heard my five year old say several times.Sunday, October 30, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Just an update
Another semester is underway for me on my journey towards a terminal degree. Semester three of twelve. It is a long process. As I lament the long path ahead of me I cannot help but think of those I work with that have undertaken similar educational paths and met with successful outcomes, that of the physicians. I see many of my friends who are now posting images of their graduation ceremonies and I feel all at once as though I were being left behind as well as inspired to continue on in my journey. The coursework that seems to be the most daunting for nurses pursuing advanced degrees is that of advanced pathophysiology and pharmacology. Those classes begin this fall and into next spring terms. I am grateful for the support of family in this process.
Jessica has remained very busy with her responsibilities in the Relief Society as the "party planning person" as well as PTA president for William's school. She has undertaken a lot of jobs all the while adding another child to the family and making sure the boys survive while I am away at work or engaged in academic activities.
William is looking forward to the end of the school year. He is excited for summer though I don't know that we have any hard set plans at this point. He is about to enter his fourth grade year. It was at that same point in my life that I became more aware of myself and my surroundings. My family moved the summer between my third and fourth grade years and I think it had a large impact on me. It is strange then to look at William, now at the same age, and consider what he may be thinking and going through. He is voracious reader. He finished reading the Harry Potter series in three weeks, slowed down by other activities like eating, sleeping, and school. He is currently reading The Kane Chronicles. He is involved in an extracurricular activity where students are challenged to listen to thirty seconds of a classical piece of music and then identify the composer and title. There are twelve or thirteen tracts of music he has been listening to and is beginning to enjoy that challenge.
Weston is loving baseball and always asks to help around the house. He is an active child who is looking forward to kindergarten this fall. He hasn't seemed to take a strong interest in reading or writing or anything academic really. He likes to look through books and will pretend to read. He writes his name and chicken-scratches other letters he remembers from preschool activities, but for the most part his interests are sports and activities. Well, a few weeks back as I was fixing breakfast for Weston and Jessica (William having already eaten and gone to school) he asked me how to spell "toast" and I rattled off in quick succession the letters " T.O.A.S.T." I was making one of his favorite breakfasts, something I grew up calling "nest eggs" for some reason, which is an egg cooked in the center of buttered bread. He said aloud the letters as he methodically wrote, "T...O... ..." He asked me to spell it again but slower this time. I obliged the request and he continued, "...T...S..." "Is that right?" he asked, sure that he correctly missed a letter. I spelled the word again accentuating the missing vowel. He wrote, "T...O...A...S...T." After a brief pause as he looked at what he had scrawled at the top of the paper he asked, "Are you sure that's how you spell 'bread?'" I'm not holding out for an Ivy League education for that one.
Wren is doing what babies do. She has helped to reacquaint Jessica and I to what it means to be new parents. We feel we are starting all over again. Diapers, feedings, interrupted sleep, etc. She is smiling and laughing both in sleep and while awake and it is fun to see how she engages her physical environment. She is in that stage still where she seems to look beyond the veil and smiles or stares intently at seemingly nothing at all. Most curious to me is the way she looks at our picture wall. She smiles and stares at that wall in a nostalgic manner, as though she may be reminiscing about the events depicted in the frames. As I reflect on the personalities of her older brothers I find that she takes a little more after Weston's bubbly side. I remember William as having been more studious in his observations of his environment. Wren seems to react to her surroundings and voices displeasure or delight as the situation warrants. She likes cuddling much like Weston.
As a family we have lots of activities and hopes for this summer and with the school year winding down and beginning to plan out our activities. I hope to write about them as they come.
Jessica has remained very busy with her responsibilities in the Relief Society as the "party planning person" as well as PTA president for William's school. She has undertaken a lot of jobs all the while adding another child to the family and making sure the boys survive while I am away at work or engaged in academic activities.
William is looking forward to the end of the school year. He is excited for summer though I don't know that we have any hard set plans at this point. He is about to enter his fourth grade year. It was at that same point in my life that I became more aware of myself and my surroundings. My family moved the summer between my third and fourth grade years and I think it had a large impact on me. It is strange then to look at William, now at the same age, and consider what he may be thinking and going through. He is voracious reader. He finished reading the Harry Potter series in three weeks, slowed down by other activities like eating, sleeping, and school. He is currently reading The Kane Chronicles. He is involved in an extracurricular activity where students are challenged to listen to thirty seconds of a classical piece of music and then identify the composer and title. There are twelve or thirteen tracts of music he has been listening to and is beginning to enjoy that challenge.
Weston is loving baseball and always asks to help around the house. He is an active child who is looking forward to kindergarten this fall. He hasn't seemed to take a strong interest in reading or writing or anything academic really. He likes to look through books and will pretend to read. He writes his name and chicken-scratches other letters he remembers from preschool activities, but for the most part his interests are sports and activities. Well, a few weeks back as I was fixing breakfast for Weston and Jessica (William having already eaten and gone to school) he asked me how to spell "toast" and I rattled off in quick succession the letters " T.O.A.S.T." I was making one of his favorite breakfasts, something I grew up calling "nest eggs" for some reason, which is an egg cooked in the center of buttered bread. He said aloud the letters as he methodically wrote, "T...O... ..." He asked me to spell it again but slower this time. I obliged the request and he continued, "...T...S..." "Is that right?" he asked, sure that he correctly missed a letter. I spelled the word again accentuating the missing vowel. He wrote, "T...O...A...S...T." After a brief pause as he looked at what he had scrawled at the top of the paper he asked, "Are you sure that's how you spell 'bread?'" I'm not holding out for an Ivy League education for that one.
Wren is doing what babies do. She has helped to reacquaint Jessica and I to what it means to be new parents. We feel we are starting all over again. Diapers, feedings, interrupted sleep, etc. She is smiling and laughing both in sleep and while awake and it is fun to see how she engages her physical environment. She is in that stage still where she seems to look beyond the veil and smiles or stares intently at seemingly nothing at all. Most curious to me is the way she looks at our picture wall. She smiles and stares at that wall in a nostalgic manner, as though she may be reminiscing about the events depicted in the frames. As I reflect on the personalities of her older brothers I find that she takes a little more after Weston's bubbly side. I remember William as having been more studious in his observations of his environment. Wren seems to react to her surroundings and voices displeasure or delight as the situation warrants. She likes cuddling much like Weston.
As a family we have lots of activities and hopes for this summer and with the school year winding down and beginning to plan out our activities. I hope to write about them as they come.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Missing motivation
Has anyone seen my motivation? I misplaced it somewhere between last year and mid current semester. It isn't real big but it is really important. It may or may not be connected to some ambition. The last time I saw it, it was perched precariously atop some perspective. Come to think of it, I may have lost that as well. There are many perspectives but they get camouflaged in varying experiences. There have been so many things on my mind of late that I forgot to keep track of these things. And now my mind is buried beneath a bunch of distractions. I tried to move some of those but I couldn't find my mind either. It must be lost too. As long as you're helping me find my mind if you find some patience along the way I'd like to borrow some. You see, I've never had much patience of my own and it seems to make learning so much better. I would sure like a little patience. There is so much I need to be doing right now, the list seems to get longer every day and I feel that if I could just get things prioritized I might find success in getting these things accomplished. I just need to pair desire with some motivation. Has anyone seen my motivation?
The semester is winding down and the projects due are mounting up. Somewhere in the melee of everything I have been involved with I lost a bit of sleep. It got lost when I found a little bird. The bird has been worth the loss of sleep and brings a lot of joy to those who spend time with it. This morning in my meetings a thought was shared regarding how in a volunteer organization such as the church we are faced with our inadequacies and the weight of our short-comings. The Lord has never used perfect men to move his work along in His church. He merely asks who will feed His sheep. Our response determines our ability to grow. Will we answer, "Here am I"? Those three words pack a wonderful sermon. They speak of faith, willingness, desire, and love.
Later in church as one of the speakers was addressing the congregation I was brought to think of this desire and reflected that desire is where faith begins and thus also our testimonies. Being perfect (Matt. 5:48) requires a desire to give up all evil, even our "favorite sins." In order to achieve perfection we need to acquire and maintain a relationship with our Father in Heaven. This requires frequent communication via prayer. True prayer requires self-honesty. In the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Huck Finn noted "you can't pray a lie."
Another speaker addressed love, and as he spoke I thought about love and service. True love can be found in service where there is no expectation of any recognition or reward. So I thought, "who/what do I love?" Where is my service spent?
One last thought from today's meetings. The story of Alma the younger was shared and I reflected on the words the angel spoke to him. "If thou wilt." The rebellious youth still had his agency and was being told effectively, "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve." I have witnessed individuals choose different masters and can testify that the devil never supports his own. The Good Shepherd knows his sheep and they know His voice and salvation is the reward for obedience. As we draw unto the Lord the mysteries of the universe shall be unfolded, but only line upon line. There are so many for whom this process is painstakingly slow and they lose focus deciding to reap the more immediate rewards bestowed in mortality by men.
I spoke to an individual today who has returned from years of inactivity. He stated for years he was a self-professed atheist despite having the influence of the church all around him. He stated that while not all of his questions have been answered he doesn't want to go back to where he was when he was mired in unbelief. He stated he doesn't agree with everything in the church but is content to go along until his answers are received. He stated he understood the church has its faults as it is led by imperfect people but is happy to learn line upon line. He is a much happier person now than before when he questioned God's existence. I have found that those who choose to believe in some version of a deity and practice that belief, not just profess a belief, are happier than those in life who abstain from such a lifestyle.
Just some updates on the family.
William has chosen to eat at Red Robin for his birthday for the past three years. He told the waitress something along the lines of, "I didn't know if you knew but tomorrow is my birthday and since I won't be here I thought you should know." Basically, "my dinner is short dessert and my parents are too cheap to cough up the monetary compensation for the overpriced dessert and I would really like dessert and some embarrassing song routine at my table sung at a room clearing decibel." He got his ice-cream and song though the other patrons indulged the song and stuck out dinner.
The semester is winding down and the projects due are mounting up. Somewhere in the melee of everything I have been involved with I lost a bit of sleep. It got lost when I found a little bird. The bird has been worth the loss of sleep and brings a lot of joy to those who spend time with it. This morning in my meetings a thought was shared regarding how in a volunteer organization such as the church we are faced with our inadequacies and the weight of our short-comings. The Lord has never used perfect men to move his work along in His church. He merely asks who will feed His sheep. Our response determines our ability to grow. Will we answer, "Here am I"? Those three words pack a wonderful sermon. They speak of faith, willingness, desire, and love.
Later in church as one of the speakers was addressing the congregation I was brought to think of this desire and reflected that desire is where faith begins and thus also our testimonies. Being perfect (Matt. 5:48) requires a desire to give up all evil, even our "favorite sins." In order to achieve perfection we need to acquire and maintain a relationship with our Father in Heaven. This requires frequent communication via prayer. True prayer requires self-honesty. In the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Huck Finn noted "you can't pray a lie."
Another speaker addressed love, and as he spoke I thought about love and service. True love can be found in service where there is no expectation of any recognition or reward. So I thought, "who/what do I love?" Where is my service spent?
One last thought from today's meetings. The story of Alma the younger was shared and I reflected on the words the angel spoke to him. "If thou wilt." The rebellious youth still had his agency and was being told effectively, "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve." I have witnessed individuals choose different masters and can testify that the devil never supports his own. The Good Shepherd knows his sheep and they know His voice and salvation is the reward for obedience. As we draw unto the Lord the mysteries of the universe shall be unfolded, but only line upon line. There are so many for whom this process is painstakingly slow and they lose focus deciding to reap the more immediate rewards bestowed in mortality by men.
I spoke to an individual today who has returned from years of inactivity. He stated for years he was a self-professed atheist despite having the influence of the church all around him. He stated that while not all of his questions have been answered he doesn't want to go back to where he was when he was mired in unbelief. He stated he doesn't agree with everything in the church but is content to go along until his answers are received. He stated he understood the church has its faults as it is led by imperfect people but is happy to learn line upon line. He is a much happier person now than before when he questioned God's existence. I have found that those who choose to believe in some version of a deity and practice that belief, not just profess a belief, are happier than those in life who abstain from such a lifestyle.
Just some updates on the family.
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| William enjoying birthday ice-cream |
Sunday, April 10, 2016
A reflection on shifting perspective
As I sat in an early morning Sunday meeting, a thought was shared regarding how we (generally) deal with trials and problems. Captain Moroni found himself in a tough situation when his hopes and ambitions were dashed by the loss of a city. In his frustration he wrote a letter to the governor of the land, Pahoran. The reply that came to Moroni was not one of offense or indignation at being "censured," but rather of brotherly love and affection. Another example of someone who cried out in anguish to another is found in the Doctrine and Covenants section 121. Joseph Smith received a reply from the Lord encouraging patience and endurance.
As this thought was being shared I reflected upon how I deal with my own trials and challenges. As a group we discussed ways in which we might encourage those of our local congregation to look at challenges a little differently. I remarked that questions between two people that start with "why" often lead to a defensive answer and rationalization of action. Those questions and answers are not part of "therapeutic communication." By restructuring thoughts and asking more probing questions such as the "how" or "what" type inquiries, more information into thoughts is gleaned. For example, when looking at challenges instead of asking the "Why me" based accusatory questions, ask "How can/does this strengthen my faith?" or "What can I learn from this that will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father?"
An additional thought shared was a list of questions geared to restructure mindsets that spin the negative into the positive.
"What is great about this problem?"
"What is not perfect yet?"
"What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?"
"What am I no longer willing to do to have it the way I want it?"
What got us where we are won't get where we want or we'd already be there.
I think of the quote by Albert Einstein, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
By changing the way we view challenges we can more readily see the positive and thus the solutions. Negative mindsets don't often find the best solutions but those who see the good in the situation. Make the best out of a bad situation.
On a completely different note I am sharing a picture of the youngest after she had received a bath. I brushed her hair back giving her a different look when it dried.
As this thought was being shared I reflected upon how I deal with my own trials and challenges. As a group we discussed ways in which we might encourage those of our local congregation to look at challenges a little differently. I remarked that questions between two people that start with "why" often lead to a defensive answer and rationalization of action. Those questions and answers are not part of "therapeutic communication." By restructuring thoughts and asking more probing questions such as the "how" or "what" type inquiries, more information into thoughts is gleaned. For example, when looking at challenges instead of asking the "Why me" based accusatory questions, ask "How can/does this strengthen my faith?" or "What can I learn from this that will draw me closer to my Heavenly Father?"
An additional thought shared was a list of questions geared to restructure mindsets that spin the negative into the positive.
"What is great about this problem?"
"What is not perfect yet?"
"What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?"
"What am I no longer willing to do to have it the way I want it?"
What got us where we are won't get where we want or we'd already be there.
I think of the quote by Albert Einstein, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
By changing the way we view challenges we can more readily see the positive and thus the solutions. Negative mindsets don't often find the best solutions but those who see the good in the situation. Make the best out of a bad situation.
On a completely different note I am sharing a picture of the youngest after she had received a bath. I brushed her hair back giving her a different look when it dried.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Just another posting
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| Wren in her first day of life. |
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| First doctor's visit. Had to check her weight and bilirubin levels. |
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| Weston at his baseball game. |
On March 29, 2016 our little girl joined us at 0506. She came into a crowded room as there was meconium in the amniotic fluid and this necessitated the NICU team be present as well as the respiratory therapist. Just in case. She cried like a champ though on delivery and all went well from there. She bested her older brothers' birth weights of 8lb 13oz at 9lb 4.9oz. It is hard to say what she thinks of the family but we are pretty fond of her.
Baseball has kept the family busy as we support Weston in something he loves and seems to have a talent for. He is definitely a very active child. He keeps us laughing with the ways he interacts with the world around him and loves to sing songs. When Wren cries he tends to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and last night started singing some song about angels watching over us. It was really fun to hear him singing to her. He loves music.
William finished reading the Harry Potter series. Once he gets into a book he becomes a voracious reader. He read all seven books in three weeks. He started over spring break and finished the last one yesterday. Of course much of his conversation and talking points now center on a wizarding world. He was taking piano lessons and seemed to be showing a lot of interest in that but his last two teachers have moved away.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
a little catch up
I make no promises of keeping this going but was reminded this past week by my father that this is a great venue for catharsis and exploration of feelings.
There certainly has been enough going on in my life to keep a healthy blog going but I have chosen other sources for my "penned" thoughts, namely a journal. But this way I keep family in the loop where I would otherwise fail in such an endeavor.
The bigger events that have transpired over the past year and then-some. . . I think back to last October 17 when I was in a car wreck. A very surreal experience and quite honestly a wake up call to my own mortality. Before the body-jarring experience of riding in a car as it is propelled from its intended path of travel I really felt that I somewhat immune to the frailties of the mortal body. I'm not saying I believed I was immortal but rather there was an absence of internalized belief that any great harm would ever befall me. The experience was quite shocking. I remember looking up into the illuminated cabin of the car with and seeing the vapor from the deployed airbags coiling about the space. It was quite. I was aware that I needed to get out of the car but something was wrong. The pain crept over me slowly at first, but nothing sharp or intense. Not initially. It was the ache and discomfort of a paralyzed diaphragm.I couldn't breathe. I felt like a vice had been placed way too tight around my rib cage and there wasn't a release. I did a quick mental check as to how I was doing mentally and had to force the panic down. I could move my head with relative ease, I wasn't bleeding and was able to move my arms and legs. The airbags and seat-belt worked as designed.
I don't remember unbuckling my seat-belt or opening my door but I remember forcing myself to calm down and stepping out of the car. Once in the semi-standing position I was able to start filling my lungs with more air and to start breathing normal again. Witnesses were coming over to assist passengers of the vehicles. I sat down on a sidewalk and looked back at my car. My first conscious thought since leaving the car was, "I'm not going to be able to get the groceries" for which was the sole purpose of leaving the house at 10:30 on a Saturday evening.
The rest of the night was a new experience in the health care field, from the side of a patient. I rode in an ambulance after the paramedic saw my positive seat-belt sign and assessed my discomfort after the adrenaline started wearing off. I received an IV, for which I was proud of myself for not losing it altogether. I haven't been able to donate blood because my body tends to go into a self preservation state of being and I was concerned I would do the same with the IV. I had an EKG and CT scan and some medication. I was discharged four hours after arrival. It was quite an experience with much more to it but that is what I will leave it at for now.
I have started school in a DNP program through Saint Mary's College. I am educating myself out of a job with my current hospital and the program is setting up the cohort to be business leaders. I may end up with my own clinic if I can't find anything else to do with the degree. I have never seen myself as a businessman and haven't ever really desired to have my own office but rather to work with and along side others. I love the emergency room. I realized early on in my health career that I wanted to work in the ED and I found employment in one of the best emergency rooms in the region after graduating with my BSN. Now I work in a smaller community ED. We stay very busy with high acuity patients in a more affluent community that has a ridiculously high concentration of nursing homes around the hospital.
I had a very rewarding experience this past week in the Emergency Room. An elderly gentleman presented to the ER with his wife at his side. He walked in complaining of abdominal discomfort, similar to past episodes but noted to be different in location for the previous ten hours. He had a history of bleeding ulcers and had part of his stomach removed some forty years earlier. Vitals were assessed and an IV started and blood specimen drawn. Most gastric work ups in the ED are about four hours depending on scans and test results. The patient had had some nausea but denied any shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, chest pain, or abnormal bowel movements. All good things to evaluate in such a situation.
As I was leaving the treatment room to send off the blood specimen I had the distinct impression to ask the doctor to order an EKG. We have some doctors that overwork the vast majority of patients and it drives the nurses crazy so I wanted to be tactful in my request for additional tests at that time. Considering the patient's age and symptoms however it wasn't a hard sell. An EKG was ordered and the patient was transferred out for a higher level of care within an hour for a STEMI. That is he was having a heart attack. I imagine an EKG would have been ordered at some point but I am grateful for the impression that came to me to get one sooner rather than later.
Jessica is getting ready to deliver our third child, a daughter this time around. The original due date placed the family growth on April 3rd but recently the doctor has determined it would be best and "safest" to induce earlier. I'm not convinced that an induction is the best route but I am certainly no specialist. My medical training tends to be more on the natural side of medicine. Jessica is ready to not be pregnant but doesn't feel ready to have another child in the home. We have outgrown our home but have decided to stay put until I finish with my schooling. It looks like we are going to get a little cozier. I think about my upbringing. Twelve people living under one roof in a home smaller than what I live in now. And we turned out alright. For the most part. I still struggle with claustrophobia. But we are staying put for now.
We need to stay put as the ward is hemorrhaging members. Its a transient ward but not many move-ins. The move outs are crippling our ability to fill callings. Many members have two sometimes three callings. What we lack in numbers we make up for in spirit. We are a close knit group. I am grateful for the ward and the opportunity to meet and work with so many wonderful people.
William and Weston continue to grow and learn about their environment and how to deal with life. Its hard to watch and at the same time a lot of fun to watch. Weston is always very active and can entertain himself. He has been signed up for baseball and shows a lot of natural athleticism. William is more cerebral and reminds me of my younger brother when it comes to books. William is selective in what he reads however. He reads at a blistering pace when he is interested. He argues with everything and seems to always be trying to prove a point. He'll argue about the color of the sky if it serves his purpose and seems to always need to "have the last say." Crazy but I see a lot of myself in his attitude. He is learning Spanish in school and the piano in his spare time. He recently received his Wolf badge and will be advancing to the Bear den soon in scouts.
The boys keep us busy and rightly so. We are family and its been a great reward to watch the learn and grow. I have learned a lot about myself by watching them. I am grateful for this family of mine and life here in Texas. Though I wish I could be closer, physically, to my side of the family as we are to Jessica's family, I really count myself blessed to be where I am at this stage in my life. There is much to be grateful for.
There certainly has been enough going on in my life to keep a healthy blog going but I have chosen other sources for my "penned" thoughts, namely a journal. But this way I keep family in the loop where I would otherwise fail in such an endeavor.
The bigger events that have transpired over the past year and then-some. . . I think back to last October 17 when I was in a car wreck. A very surreal experience and quite honestly a wake up call to my own mortality. Before the body-jarring experience of riding in a car as it is propelled from its intended path of travel I really felt that I somewhat immune to the frailties of the mortal body. I'm not saying I believed I was immortal but rather there was an absence of internalized belief that any great harm would ever befall me. The experience was quite shocking. I remember looking up into the illuminated cabin of the car with and seeing the vapor from the deployed airbags coiling about the space. It was quite. I was aware that I needed to get out of the car but something was wrong. The pain crept over me slowly at first, but nothing sharp or intense. Not initially. It was the ache and discomfort of a paralyzed diaphragm.I couldn't breathe. I felt like a vice had been placed way too tight around my rib cage and there wasn't a release. I did a quick mental check as to how I was doing mentally and had to force the panic down. I could move my head with relative ease, I wasn't bleeding and was able to move my arms and legs. The airbags and seat-belt worked as designed.
I don't remember unbuckling my seat-belt or opening my door but I remember forcing myself to calm down and stepping out of the car. Once in the semi-standing position I was able to start filling my lungs with more air and to start breathing normal again. Witnesses were coming over to assist passengers of the vehicles. I sat down on a sidewalk and looked back at my car. My first conscious thought since leaving the car was, "I'm not going to be able to get the groceries" for which was the sole purpose of leaving the house at 10:30 on a Saturday evening.
The rest of the night was a new experience in the health care field, from the side of a patient. I rode in an ambulance after the paramedic saw my positive seat-belt sign and assessed my discomfort after the adrenaline started wearing off. I received an IV, for which I was proud of myself for not losing it altogether. I haven't been able to donate blood because my body tends to go into a self preservation state of being and I was concerned I would do the same with the IV. I had an EKG and CT scan and some medication. I was discharged four hours after arrival. It was quite an experience with much more to it but that is what I will leave it at for now.
I have started school in a DNP program through Saint Mary's College. I am educating myself out of a job with my current hospital and the program is setting up the cohort to be business leaders. I may end up with my own clinic if I can't find anything else to do with the degree. I have never seen myself as a businessman and haven't ever really desired to have my own office but rather to work with and along side others. I love the emergency room. I realized early on in my health career that I wanted to work in the ED and I found employment in one of the best emergency rooms in the region after graduating with my BSN. Now I work in a smaller community ED. We stay very busy with high acuity patients in a more affluent community that has a ridiculously high concentration of nursing homes around the hospital.
I had a very rewarding experience this past week in the Emergency Room. An elderly gentleman presented to the ER with his wife at his side. He walked in complaining of abdominal discomfort, similar to past episodes but noted to be different in location for the previous ten hours. He had a history of bleeding ulcers and had part of his stomach removed some forty years earlier. Vitals were assessed and an IV started and blood specimen drawn. Most gastric work ups in the ED are about four hours depending on scans and test results. The patient had had some nausea but denied any shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, chest pain, or abnormal bowel movements. All good things to evaluate in such a situation.
As I was leaving the treatment room to send off the blood specimen I had the distinct impression to ask the doctor to order an EKG. We have some doctors that overwork the vast majority of patients and it drives the nurses crazy so I wanted to be tactful in my request for additional tests at that time. Considering the patient's age and symptoms however it wasn't a hard sell. An EKG was ordered and the patient was transferred out for a higher level of care within an hour for a STEMI. That is he was having a heart attack. I imagine an EKG would have been ordered at some point but I am grateful for the impression that came to me to get one sooner rather than later.
Jessica is getting ready to deliver our third child, a daughter this time around. The original due date placed the family growth on April 3rd but recently the doctor has determined it would be best and "safest" to induce earlier. I'm not convinced that an induction is the best route but I am certainly no specialist. My medical training tends to be more on the natural side of medicine. Jessica is ready to not be pregnant but doesn't feel ready to have another child in the home. We have outgrown our home but have decided to stay put until I finish with my schooling. It looks like we are going to get a little cozier. I think about my upbringing. Twelve people living under one roof in a home smaller than what I live in now. And we turned out alright. For the most part. I still struggle with claustrophobia. But we are staying put for now.
We need to stay put as the ward is hemorrhaging members. Its a transient ward but not many move-ins. The move outs are crippling our ability to fill callings. Many members have two sometimes three callings. What we lack in numbers we make up for in spirit. We are a close knit group. I am grateful for the ward and the opportunity to meet and work with so many wonderful people.
William and Weston continue to grow and learn about their environment and how to deal with life. Its hard to watch and at the same time a lot of fun to watch. Weston is always very active and can entertain himself. He has been signed up for baseball and shows a lot of natural athleticism. William is more cerebral and reminds me of my younger brother when it comes to books. William is selective in what he reads however. He reads at a blistering pace when he is interested. He argues with everything and seems to always be trying to prove a point. He'll argue about the color of the sky if it serves his purpose and seems to always need to "have the last say." Crazy but I see a lot of myself in his attitude. He is learning Spanish in school and the piano in his spare time. He recently received his Wolf badge and will be advancing to the Bear den soon in scouts.
The boys keep us busy and rightly so. We are family and its been a great reward to watch the learn and grow. I have learned a lot about myself by watching them. I am grateful for this family of mine and life here in Texas. Though I wish I could be closer, physically, to my side of the family as we are to Jessica's family, I really count myself blessed to be where I am at this stage in my life. There is much to be grateful for.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Another week in reflection
What a week. These are the tough weeks for me, where I come off of a two day break to hit another four days on. Sounds posh actually. But I work four ten-hour shifts a week and seldom are they simply ten hours. And what gets crammed into them can be exhausting. More mentally then physically for most of the time, the physicality of my job is often routine, task oriented. I find that the majority of people coming into the Emergency Department really need someone to listen to them more than to treat them. The conditions for which people come into the ED are most often not really "emergencies" and really not even "urgent" matters. Much if not most of what comes through the ED would heal on its own without attention by a physician. Don't misunderstand, there are definitely cases that come that legitimately are emergencies, but there are so many that aren't. We have more attention seekers than drug seekers.
People are tired. Our society has placed a large burden and torn people in so many directions emotionally and physically. The doctors and nurses spend a lot of time validating concerns with tests and medications. Some people would probably get better with some water to drink and someone to sit and listen, share a laugh and an encouraging word. This is a strong point of mine. My patient's like me. They appreciate my time and dedication to their concerns. I don't have the knowledge base to diagnose but I can treat the patient. I can treat them like a human being, like a friend. They respond to that.
Some are sick. Some are very sick. I am convinced that if you drink the water in Flower Mound, Texas you'll either get cancer or anxiety. Sometimes both. People describe pain in different ways but medicate about the same in the ED, with hydrocodone, until there receptors are "fried" and then it takes something stronger. I once had a patient who looked at the pills I offered and said, "Hydrocodone? That won't work. Those are like skittles." To which I replied, "Taste the rainbow" and gave him a cup of water. I can't take away that pain. There is a lot of physical pain out there exacerbated by the emotional pain life brings and not enough people are available to treat that emotional pain. Laughter really is the best medicine. It may not cure, but it can help ease the burden of perceived pain.
As healthcare providers, we experience the pain too. We deal with it in ways at work so we can move on to the next situation, the next patient we need to see. We laugh when maybe we shouldn't, we make light of heavy situations, and commiserate when collaboration may serve better. That's how we deal with our pain. The pain of having to deal with a persistent "drug seeker" or the frequent flyers. The pain of having to put up with the verbal and physical abuse of a public that doesn't understand the work or the shifts we go through. The pain of death that eats away at us too.
Sometimes its hard not to bring that home. I don't talk about it much. My family is my escape from that world. So much is going on in their world. I love getting wrapped up in what Jessica and the boys are involved in, well to an extent.
This week was another filled with school for the boys and job offers for Jessica. One of the principals Jessica has worked for, the most recent, has obviously spent a lot of time trying to figure a way to get Jessica back in the classroom. I think it is something she has been looking for as well. I hear her passion when she talks about teaching, about the kids and the parents, the politics and policies of the profession. She soars in that environment. I have loved having her at home, but I can't help thinking about caging a bird. She loves her family and loves being with the boys and the opportunities afforded to her by staying home. But it seems to me that she has been looking for ways to get back into the classroom since she left. That was always our goal after all, to get to a point where she could stay home.
I am to blame for some of the desire to go back. Jessica was respected and well validated, earning awards and recognition for her commitment to the teaching profession. I took her presence in the home for granted, and let too many opportunities to validate her at home pass by. I feel I need to come up with awards for her as a mother and validate her efforts in the home as much as her peers did in the classroom.
But for now, it looks she is going to go back. But not to second or third grade. Her principal has asked her to certify to teach fifth grade. That'll be a different challenge. It will give her new experiences and skills that will ultimately help open other doors. We have plans for the home that the extra income will help with too!
People are tired. Our society has placed a large burden and torn people in so many directions emotionally and physically. The doctors and nurses spend a lot of time validating concerns with tests and medications. Some people would probably get better with some water to drink and someone to sit and listen, share a laugh and an encouraging word. This is a strong point of mine. My patient's like me. They appreciate my time and dedication to their concerns. I don't have the knowledge base to diagnose but I can treat the patient. I can treat them like a human being, like a friend. They respond to that.
Some are sick. Some are very sick. I am convinced that if you drink the water in Flower Mound, Texas you'll either get cancer or anxiety. Sometimes both. People describe pain in different ways but medicate about the same in the ED, with hydrocodone, until there receptors are "fried" and then it takes something stronger. I once had a patient who looked at the pills I offered and said, "Hydrocodone? That won't work. Those are like skittles." To which I replied, "Taste the rainbow" and gave him a cup of water. I can't take away that pain. There is a lot of physical pain out there exacerbated by the emotional pain life brings and not enough people are available to treat that emotional pain. Laughter really is the best medicine. It may not cure, but it can help ease the burden of perceived pain.
As healthcare providers, we experience the pain too. We deal with it in ways at work so we can move on to the next situation, the next patient we need to see. We laugh when maybe we shouldn't, we make light of heavy situations, and commiserate when collaboration may serve better. That's how we deal with our pain. The pain of having to deal with a persistent "drug seeker" or the frequent flyers. The pain of having to put up with the verbal and physical abuse of a public that doesn't understand the work or the shifts we go through. The pain of death that eats away at us too.
Sometimes its hard not to bring that home. I don't talk about it much. My family is my escape from that world. So much is going on in their world. I love getting wrapped up in what Jessica and the boys are involved in, well to an extent.
This week was another filled with school for the boys and job offers for Jessica. One of the principals Jessica has worked for, the most recent, has obviously spent a lot of time trying to figure a way to get Jessica back in the classroom. I think it is something she has been looking for as well. I hear her passion when she talks about teaching, about the kids and the parents, the politics and policies of the profession. She soars in that environment. I have loved having her at home, but I can't help thinking about caging a bird. She loves her family and loves being with the boys and the opportunities afforded to her by staying home. But it seems to me that she has been looking for ways to get back into the classroom since she left. That was always our goal after all, to get to a point where she could stay home.
I am to blame for some of the desire to go back. Jessica was respected and well validated, earning awards and recognition for her commitment to the teaching profession. I took her presence in the home for granted, and let too many opportunities to validate her at home pass by. I feel I need to come up with awards for her as a mother and validate her efforts in the home as much as her peers did in the classroom.
But for now, it looks she is going to go back. But not to second or third grade. Her principal has asked her to certify to teach fifth grade. That'll be a different challenge. It will give her new experiences and skills that will ultimately help open other doors. We have plans for the home that the extra income will help with too!
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